grooooooown ocean

wow! hi! hello! ah! i missed this space so much. so much. i kind of, almost, did have a mental breakdown about not blogging anymore because Lurking Cat has been my go-to thing that i vented to. this is the space i grew up in. this is my space, i created this blog and am so proud of what i made. and i'm not ready to let it go. so here's my plan. i'm just going to post anything and everything, mostly my current thoughts. what will be different is, sometimes it won't be specifically about me, just things i'm learning, but i'm also planning not to create something every time or post a photo. the reason for this is because it's a reason why i stopped blogging. i have so many drafts of my thoughts that i never posted because i didn't create something for it and i hate that! i hate that i have old thoughts that weren't posted at that moment because now i don't even want to post them! because it's just a thing of mine! anyways, from now on i'm going to write liiikkkeee, i'm kind of writing an article. or something. i dont know. we'll see.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      



i hope all my blogger friends are all doing well and are happy and i miss reading everyone's blogs. we'll see how this goes. thank you for reading. goodbye :') <33333 font="">

where this flower blooms

Patience. Oh, patience. One of my worst enemies. "Patience is a virtue." Very true, but very hard to follow through. Forgiveness. Or more like...letting go. These two aspects have been the things that I've been trying to achieve to become a better me. You'd think I'd be very patient considering I work with kids, but it's because I have to. In my own life, I have choices and a lot of the times I choose to say whatever I want without thinking. Which leads to the idea of letting go of things that aren't that serious and doesn't deserve attention. I'm a very stubborn and dramatic person. Sometimes it's fun, but sometimes it's not.

Anyways, I thought I'd mention a little bit of what I went through while taking a road trip to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming with my wonderful family. I also went to a few other places, but I have so many pictures i'm just going to break it into different parts. As most of you can probably tell, I have a deep appreciation for nature and wanting to experience it so being in this park was just incredible. I got to be able to see so much, there are no words of have awesome it was. Anyway, here's Yellowstone (and yes, I do very much love skies).

Three Months

DISCLAIMER: I don't know how to display my pictures or create anything because I don't know what I want to create so basically I don't know what this blog is anymore lol. The next couple of posts will be me experimenting, but also just putting out some pictures. This blog started out to share my thoughts and clothes so that's what it will continue...but in a different way.......I DON'T KNOW. CARRY ON.

Therapy. That's what I'll be talking about today. I don't even know where to start. I don't think I want to delve into WHY I went, but what I got out of it, even if it was only for a couple of months. (This post makes me feel vulnerable, but I feel it's an important part of my life and I want to share this on my blog. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything else. You can share your own experience or add on thoughts or something, but no need for sympathy comments, thank you!!)

I think one of the first methods he taught me was breathing. Simple as that. He taught me a few breathing exercises to do when I'm feeling stressed or just an everyday thing. These exercises got me into meditating, which he also mentioned, and so I did it every Sunday. In my experience, it helped me a ton. It gave me 30 minutes to myself and to clear my mind. I think in our third session, he mentioned finding my happy place and to imagine that place when I'm meditating. So, now I settle myself into my happy place before doing my breathing exercises/meditating. Here's a few pictures that describe my happy place a little (basically lots of green and colorful flowers).

So, I also learned I'm my biggest critic (which is really everyone), but not only that, I'm (was) my worst enemy. Y'know, thinking back I was always about self-love and telling others to feel the same, but...I wasn't even doing that? I kind of was, but totally on a surface level. Going to therapy or even thinking about going/making the decision made me realize that I wasn't even loving myself? I was always criticizing what I was doing, how I was feeling, my grades, the way I was eating, comparing myself to others, trying to be the best me, but it wasn't even mentally healthy? I was trying so hard to better myself, that instead it turned into self-hatred. I think realizing this was what really broke my heart. This was the worst part for me. It made me SAD that I was like this, I felt bad for myself. So, my therapist told me to tell myself to, "Leave Yourself Alone" whenever I would criticize myself. It sounds pretty silly, but that was part of it. When I felt that I was criticizing myself, I would tell myself those words and it made me laugh a little and stopped basically being mean to myself. Those few words helped a ton. (Here are a few pictures from my bullet journal where you can tell at what point in my feelings I was at, which is probably the best thing about making this journal.)

I went to, I believe, 4 sessions and they made me realize a lot things. I'm SO glad I went. It didn't solve all of my problems because y'know mental health issues won't ever go away, but you find ways to cope/live with it, which is what therapy is really about. If you're questioning to go, I very much encourage it. The first time I went, I felt pretty ridiculous because I felt my problems were small, but that wasn't the case. I was dealing with something and needed some help so I got it! I feel better and hopefully it will continue.

time away from home

alright, alright. let's do this whole catching up thing before i even begin my 'what i'm doing now' posts. 

MARCH

I started therapy at school. Yup, it finally happened. It's not 'permanent' therapy, like going every week at a certain place. More like, every 2-3 weeks to a school therapist, but the man helped a buuunnnccchhhh. I'm still thinking about going to a certain place, but I haven't been convinced and I just haven't put the time in. Anyways, he taught me about writing in my daily lists on things to do for ME, tell myself "leave yourself alone" when i'm criticizing myself, realizing that i criticize myself too much, start meditation, etc. I'll probably do a post about it soon, but yeah! It's helped a lot and I'm feeling better, but really my lil episodes come randomly and i'm not sure when they'll stop.

I also saw The Orwells and The Growlers and got reminded that I fucking love school, which i will also make another post about...hopefully.

APRIL

Don't think anything really vital happened this month, but I got to see Hinds and Twin Peaks (which was literally SOOOO fun, listen to them, and go to one of their shows. Twin Peaks will never disappoint and Hinds was just as fun) and The Walters with Summer Salt, who were also so fuckinnnnn fun, man. Got to see some cute butterflies, too, at the Conservatory of Flowers and skated!

MAY

Mostly stressing about school, since finals! I got four A's and one friggin B, but I'm pretty proud of myself!! Skated some more. Visited Berkeley, got to see Girlpool, went home (like, SoCal), and got new roller skates!

JUNE

Now it's June..and it's weird. I'm not home. I'm not sitting on my ass all day. I'm not with my family. I'm actually in San Francisco, working my ass off for a few good hours Monday-Friday. I'll be back in SoCal in July for a few trips, then back up here in August for a new semester. I'm trying to be very productive this summer, but it's also hard when work tires you out and you just want to sleep. I'm going to try very hard to read (currently reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey), blog more, and meditate every (other) day. We shall see what's to come. Hope u guys are doing well and talk to ya soon!

powerplant

I went camping for a weekend with two of my closest friends. We were in Stanislaus National Forest, Calaveras Big Tree. I've probably talked about this before, but it's important to visit Mother Nature, especially now because an orange might ruin it all. But I'm not talking about a garden in the city, but real ass nature, full of bugs and trees that haven't been touched much. It's relaxing and full of great energy, could start a fresh beginning. I had tons of fun and am so glad we were able to do this so, here's a few pictures. Treat Mother Nature nicely, please.

it's only life

It's been tough. It's hard to accept things that you really didn't expect to happen to you. I've become open to the idea of open relationships and polygamy because I truly believe human beings are not meant for monogamy. We're too complex. Too...dependent. The idea of marriage has become more faulty and confusing these days (thanks to my professors). And now i'm really forming my opinion on marriage. This past semester I've been so accepting of open relationships/polygamy and I knew from the start I wasn't really into it myself, but I understood why some people would want it and why I think many human beings should consider it. I think one topic that needs to be discussed is cheating. Knowing this above information, how would I view cheating? I think cheating is the perfect example of human beings not being able to be with one person forever and not being communicative. This explanation isn't for the assholes who want to hurt people or who just did it for fun. It's for those who have been in marriages for a very long time or those who have found another soulmate on accident (we definitely have 1+ soulmates) or other examples that I can't think of. Human beings are one of the only animals that actually follow through with monogamy and it's pretty insane. If you've actually thought about marriage and the whole "forever" thing, you know what I'm talking about.

I like to think my future partner and I will be very communicative, to the point where if one of us wants to branch out (have more partners), we'd tell one another, instead of being sneaky. That's the kind of relationship I want. The kind where you're so comfortable in discussing anything because that's what makes relationships last. Our society lacks in having the ability to communicate how we feel and what we want our family, friends, and partners. That's an important factor in why divorce rates are so high, too. People give up easily. People don't want to try, don't want to COMMUNICATE.

I haven't been in a relationship, but I definitely feel like I will be well prepared for what would come because of how much I think and how much I've learned these past two years. Look, for those in relationships, out of one, will be in one, never has been in one, I know my advice isn't very reliable due to the fact that i've never in a relationship, but honestly there are two things that will make your companionship better: communication and comfortable with sex. I'm telling you if you can perfect those two, your relationship will last longer than many others.

so says i

just a month ago, i talked about how i feel stressed and was having an existential crisis, even though i'm still young. i was also calling myself  "not an adult", but my friend (sarita) made me a realize something and i just read through that post again (here it is if you're interested)....i am an adult. i am. a young one, but still am. i live on my own, i pay own bills, i pay my own rent, pay for my food, pay for whatever shows i want to go to,  I PAY FOR EVERYTHING (besides my phone bill and a few things here and there). i think when i was writing that post, i was refusing to accept that i'm getting older. i was refusing to accept the term "adult" in my life. but it's pretty silly of me to do that, eventually i'll have to accept that and i kind of do now???  i realize that "adult" doesn't mean boring or wrinkles or like 40 lol, it just means you're independently living (i mean i think???? what does 'adult' even meaaaaannnnn!!!!!). anyways, i just wanted to share, yes i'm an adult, but still am 12 years old and do stupid things. here's a few pictures of my friends and i doing dumb things or lookin dumb because clearly i take myself seriously: