the future

I've been taught by a very good friend of mine to never invalidate your feelings. your feelings are important, no matter how small.

besides that, at this very moment, at 3:20 pm on a Wednesday, January 11th, I am having an existential crisis. and thinking about that is so silly and funny to me because i'm going to be a soon-to-be 20 year old?!?!?! I'M STILL SO YOUNG. what am i stressed about? especially right now, while i'm on winter break with NOTHING to do. i'm not a real adult yet. yes, i pay most of my bills myself and yes i do work, but i'm still not an adult? can u IMAGINE how it feels to deal with EVERYTHING yourself and having kids and having a mortgage and etc. etc. ETC.?!? my parents definitely still help me and support me in every way, even if it doesn't concern money. it's so weird to me that a lot of us, my age or around my age, have these moments where we're SO stressed out and so bugged out, even though we're still so young. we still have so much time to go through, even if it goes fast.

anyways, i thought i'd just let that out. but yeah ya heard it right, i'm turning 20 this month. partly sad, partly happy about it. let me explain:

a lot of my teenage years, i didn't know who i was and spent A LOT of time thinking about that. it was very unnecessary and overwhelming, which is partly why i started this blog. this blog helped me a lot about finding out what i liked and became my own person. the thing is, i only started having fun and being who i am probably around 16-17. so what was i doing between 13-16? worrying about what others thought. worrying about how many friends i had. worrying about what kind of person i was (which i really. didn't. know.). thinking back, eighth grade was one of my worst years, so far, because i got lost within myself and within my friend group. i was alone a lot.
moving on. it upsets me that i spent so much time trying SO HARD to be who i was, that i ended up not being who i was at all. i lost a lot of my teenage years because of that and started so late. i feel like i didn't/don't have enough time to be who i was/am as was/am a teenager. so turning twenty is really scary.

i know i'm still young and can do whatever i want, of course, but at the same time i feel like there's not enough time for me to do everything. i feel like i have to start acting as an adult, which is really not the case here. turning twenty is scaring me quite a bit, but i'm trying to remind myself that i'm still young. i can still do whatever i want to do. i can still do stupid things. for some reason it's hard for me to wrap my head around that // well, i'm turning another year older, which isn't a big deal....hahahah. =^^=