☆（＾∀＾）ノ~~

It's kind of crazy to think about who I was and what I..felt..? when I was in high school (A.K.A freshmen/sophomore/maybe junior? year). Mainly, sophomore year is when I remember feeling completely sad..but then again, I don't remember specific moments or scenes of me being sad. I do remember feeling terrible about myself, but for some reason..no days come up. Perhaps it's because I have terrible memory. I rarely remember a childhood memory. People are always telling stories about their first day of actual school or how they fell off the swing in 4th grade, but me..nope. All I remember are useless names. Anyways, I recently watched a video that Hazel Hayes on YouTube made. I don't really like "relating" to well-known Internet people and don't like using their stuff for me..if that makes sense because I never know whether they're posting their story for views or not and whether it's real, BUT this one opened my eyes. Every month she makes a video on how her month went (I.E. I'm talking about her video on August, what she did, what happened during that month, etc.) and she explained that it was pretty bad. At the end of the video, she started talking about depression and it..hit me. When you're in that state of mind of anxiety and sadness and loneliness, etc., etc., you think you'll never get through it. You think you're alone. You think you're just going to fall off the Earth.  It's so difficult to make yourself go out and talk to people and remember that you're not actually alone. I haven't felt bad about myself in a while, thankfully, but watching that video made me realize something: I wasn't alone at those moments..and never will be. It just made me cry thinking about that. No matter what situation you are in...there are other people who understand what you're going through and just that thought is so beautiful and so comforting. It just feels so. damn. good. to realize that I wasn't the only one feeling that way and I was not crazy and all those tears were not lonely. There was one day that I do remember and will forever remember and it actually happened this year, I believe. The entire fucking day, I could not stop crying and could not stop being sad. Tears just kept falling, everything made me cry and it wasn't PMS, assholes, it was just me..being sad. My mom and sister stayed in the room with me and kept questioning me why I was crying and I had no answer whatsoever. I felt stupid and crazy and completely ridiculous and thinking about that just made it all worse. I just felt so so so alone. Thinking back on that day and connecting it with what Hazel said at the end of this video, just makes me cry. I wasn't alone, guys. I know someone out there has had a day like that and I may be better now, but that brings me so much joy and kind of answers my worries of whether that was just me experiencing it. So. Much. Joy. Anyways, I just wanted to talk about that. Remember you're not alone. Never.

OKAY BUT THE HOUSES IN SF!!!!! Every time I go out and explore, we always run into PINK houses and I just LOVE THEEEEMMM!!!! My dream is to live in one one day (even though they're hella expensive [using sf language, did u catch that, muahahahhah]). For as long as I live here, I will forever be posting pictures of houses, mainly pink ones. Why are they such a dream!?!?!?

Well, onto other things..I actually thought of this today, but I might want to be a doula? If ya don't know what that is, it's an assistant to a midwife and if ya don't know what that is, it's a person who helps pregnant women, before birth, during birth, or/and after birth. I want to be a social worker and I know they don't earn a lot, which got me thinking that maybe I should minor in something that can help me, maybe get a side job. While I was reading "Fixing Men", a book I gotta read for a class, the author talked about midwifes and that's when it hit me (with a little help of my genius sister)!!!! I can be a social worker and doula as side job, doesn't that sound so cool?!?!?! I just want to know when I leave this Earth that I did some good, that I helped ONE person. I know, I know, all college students want to "save the world," but y'know what?! LET ME SAVE THE WORLD!!!! Hahahaha, I may change my mind, but that's my future career for now. Now I just gotta figure out how I am going to graduate on time with an impacted major and a minor...man...

Adventure Update: I went to Dolores Park this past weekend and it wasn't as great as I expected it to be, bUT it was very pretty, perfect place for people watching (my favorite past time activity), and there were people selling edibles...at a park...me too, SF, me too. It's so crazy, if any of you have been to Haight, you'll know what I'm talking about. There are people just asking for weed or selling weed or smoking weed on the streets!!!!! It's not just Haight, but that's where it mostly happens, I think. It's such a different environment, it's so cool and weird, hahahha.

I also wanted to post this throwback because I miss this day and these guys (well three of them). This past week I thought about GAL-entine's Day and realized I can't spend it with them and maybe can't go all out on the party and the decorations and IT'S SO SAD!!! I just don't know if everyone will be as into it as I am. This day is so important guys!!!!! Anyways, I miss the people back home.

I want to start doing semi-weekly playlists because it seems so fun and I love making them so here's my first one!!! I think I'm just going to start off making them out of songs that I've been listening to lately and then move into themes once I get into the groove!! So heeerreeee ya go!!!