chamber of reflection

My childhood, and basically life, has been a complete blur. I don't know how people my age remember what they did when (for example)  9/11 happened (we were like..4). I don't have a lot of memories from kindergarten, elementary, middle, or even high school (I just graduated!!!). This might be bad for my future self, but let's get passed that.

There are a few moments I remember for some reason and one was in middle school. Middle school. Sixth grade was when I had a lot of friends, the only time I had "a lot" of friends. I felt ~**~*~cool~*~* and !!!!rebellious!!!! because I hung out with kids who wore their pants below their ass and would say cuss words (AWW SHIT). I clearly didn't fit in with them, but was pushed into their group because they were in all of my classes. Now here's the story. Choosing my outfits used to be such a burden for me before I realized how much I love clothes. It gave me a headache, like, everyday even though those outfits were so...simple. Anyways, I looked around at my classmates and people around school and realized something: HEY! A lot of these girls wear the same jacket everyday..I'm gonna start doing that!!!! And so I did. I wore it for around 3-4 days (yes, consecutively, I know, but according to my brain EVERYONE was doing that!!). Told by my friends, a group of my guy "friends" were talking about the "cute girls" in our grade and my name popped up. "Hey, do you think Josselyn is cute?" "I would say yes, but she has been wearing that jacket for like the whole week bro." FACE = RED. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!! And yes, I was wearing it that same day. I didn't have an "appropriate" shirt underneath so I couldn't even take it off! The entire day I was so embarrassed and stayed away from that kid.

The reason I bring this up is because imagine 11-12 year old me trying to fit into this group (that I clearly didn't fit into, meaning we really had different views/lifestyle/I wasn't comfortable with them..ever) and then all of a sudden was completely embarrassed by all of them. I guess ever since I have been trying to fight being "the same as everybody else". I know, sounds bad, let me finish. Middle school was a tough time for me (brain-wise and friends-wise), I just wanted to be friends with the people that surrounded me, but clearly was proven wrong on doing that. Tavi in Rookie Yearbook Four talks about "THE OTHER" in October's Editor's Letter, explaining how people who TRY to be different are just judgmental because they start to reject people before they even get to know them because of simple facts they have learned of them. That's what I started doing, judging people by their fashion sense and music sense. This didn't stop until probably junior year of high school (I know..so bad). Was this because I was part of that "THE OTHER" group or because of that kid who judged me by clothes? Maybe a mixture of the two?

I really hate the fact that I wouldn't be friends with someone because of their music/fashion choices, that's so ridiculous and so...UGGHGHHH!!! Maybe I could've had great (more) friends in high school if I wasn't so "GET AWAY FROM ME IF U DONT LISTEN 2 SHE & HIM OR DA BEATLEZZZ. PLZ SHOO!!! WE ARENT MEANT 2 B FRIENDZ." That was my biggest issue in high school, thinking I can only be friends with people who are like me. I was distant from friends I could've been very close to just because of our different likes/dislikes.

This all leads to the idea of: CONFORMITY. Was I still trying to be different because of that kid? That ONE kid! OR, was this my path all along...? The world may never know. I guess the important part is the fact that I outgrew that and am a better (still learning) person. The conforming thing relates to it all because I had been fighting that idea and trying to be so obscure and """"""cool""""". But in reality, I was just being a pretentious asshole.

I'm not sure if these little memories are things that shaped the person I am today, I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I'm glad throughout these years I have opened my mind and become less of an asshole (still an asshole because of reasons...might explain that in a later post). I hope you all don't read this and let it define me because it's not the person I am today (hahahahah, wouldn't that be ironic though). Remember...your friends don't have to be just like you!!! Or your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner doesn't have be just like you!!! Respect, kindness, and love is all that really matters (ALL U NEED IS LOVE). This all may not make sense at the end, but it made sense in my head, hahaha. I have been wanting to doodle more so here's a few of them that are inspired by people you may know (some are easy, some are very hard, guess!!!) and the people around me. Thanks for stickin' around if you actually read through the whole thing and have a faaaantastic Friday!! =^^=