( ਊдਊ)

DISCLAIMER: I won't be putting pictures on this one because I think it deserves to be left alone and I don't have any loose pictures I want to insert! I also wrote this post on different days so it may seem wonky, but I'm sure you will all catch on! I just needed to post this to get it all out and be able to look back on.

Honestly. How do you leave the ones you love the most? I will be moving to San Francisco in less than 7 weeks guys..and it's giving me major anxiety thinking about it. It might be dangerous for me to be typing this at midnight, I'd be opening a whirlpool that won't let me sleep, or perhaps it'll help my nerves...either way I'm going to continue. People who have seen the relationships I have with my family are surprised at how close we all are and how much we (seem) to get along and it breaks my heart that I won't be able to see their faces everyday. This year has definitely opened my eyes at how much I love my family and how hard it's going to be moving out. For those who have left home..how did you deal with it? It seems like it's just a process I'll have to go through and get used to, but I hate that answer, so please give me something else.
Also, I recently went to orientation in San Francisco and it was okay..but my social skills definitely do not deserve an A, or B..or C? That and I think I couldn't make good friends because either everyone made friends with each other before I got to them..or I met some pretty quiet people. This terrifies me. I am so so so so very terrified that I won't make good friends because of my social skills. I know I can fix that, but it's not that easy. My anxiety and nerves and overthinking just stop me from doing what I should be doing. All those things don't just go away and only a few understand that. Making friends is NOT easy for me and it's so annoying. I'm going to be living in a new city, where my family won't be at physically so I've gotta find good friends there and if I don't..I don't know what I'll do. That's my number one concern, which may be everybody's when going to college, but the majority probably don't have the same issues as me. It's tough, very tough, but guess what? I have to deal with it. It's just very scary thinking what if I end up completely miserable and wanting to come back home, which is probably what my moms wants (in a mom way y'know hahahahahah). I know. THINK POSITIVE AND I TRULY AM, but these are just my deep feelings.
Now onto the future. How difficult is it to choose a job you want to do for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?!?!?! I mean, some, few, people have a calling, their destiny, fate, wheel of fortune, objective, etc., something they have known ever since they were a kid and man are those people l-u-c-k-y. I think I have always known that I want to help people, more specifically minorities, families, but isn't that, like, everyone?! Of course, we all want to make a difference in some way, find a reason why we have been put on this Earth and given the opportunity to live and actually be able to choose what we want to study. My sister brought this up to me once, saying people like to find happiness instead of meaning or fulfillment, which I completely agree with. Happiness will not always be there, life gets tough, for example when you get married or begin a family, I mean it seems all happy outside, but I've learned that it is soooo hard to maintain it all. People of course should want to be happy, we all do, but..that shouldn't be a life goal I guess? I think finding meaning or your place in this world is much more important. It gives you context and, like I said, fulfillment. In the text of my sister's, "Happiness = temporary." Life gets hard, man, and that can sound cynical, but it's just the way it is.
Continuing with the whole career thing. Everyday I question what I want to do. Yesterday I knew helping families, hopefully specifically adoptions or anything related to that, would be my future, but today, I come back to the idea of working at a hospital?!? I mean, coooome oooooon. Why does choosing something have to be so tough?!?! On second thought, right now as I am typing, I realized, I still want to help families..DO YOU SEEE HOW FAST THE MIND CHANGES!??!?! Oh man, life. Is. Tough. Anyways, what do you guys want to do for the rest of your life? One of the most difficult questions to ask yourself.
Well, this weekend was a huuuggggeee..relief? Discovery? Realization? In this same post, I talked about the difficult time I have with making new friends, but my mind has changed since that day. I've come to realize that making friends is not a priority for me. Ever since I began high school, the topic of "FRIENDS" has been on my mind constantly. It was just another issue added to my list. I always thought I needed MORE friends or needed to make NEW friends or needed to hang out WITH my friends more and it was all just a huge pile of mess. But it has all come down to this: I have always had a small group of friends and that's that. I cannot change that, I can't change who I am. Of course, I will still try to get to know people and perhaps become close friends with a few, but what I mean is that, I will not worry about that anymore. I want to go to a new city because it'll be an adventure and I will have sooo many new things to explore, even if it's by myself. I am independent and solitary. That's who I am and I have finally realized it, excepted it, and controlled it. And that feels awesome. Each day I feel like I'm accepting and discovering myself more and more and it's just a really great time for me. I hope you all have accepted yourself and if you haven't, don't worry, just keep trying and you'll succeed!!!
Well, that is all. Hope you all had an awesome weekend =^^=
Powered by Blogger.